"Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I know, it's my own damn fault" - Jimmy Buffet
I love the above quote from the song "Margaritaville". During the first chorus he starts by saying that its nobody's fault, but by the end of the song, he finally admits that it is his fault.
We live in a world where people spend a lot of energy deflecting blame onto other's for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it can be that they work in an environment where mistakes can affect their performance appraisals, which then affect their promotions and future salaries. Sometimes it can be just a natural reaction to a negative situation, a sort of defence mechanism. Nobody likes to be wrong for many reasons, some of which I discussed as fear in a previous blog called Work, The Carrot, & Fear. I think blaming others didn't just happen once we started working, but something within each of us from childhood.
Children now are raised in an environment where they are praised for whatever reason possible. Sayings like "good job" or "you're really good" when the child actually fails are heard all too often when "good effort" could be a much better thing to say followed by some instruction/guidance on how to improve. Kids get trophies when they win and get trophies when they lose. When a child no longer gets the fake praise, they begin to wonder if any of it was ever sincere, and have a harder time without that type of reinforcement in the future. Kids sports sometimes don't even keep score.
Children now are raised in an environment where they are praised for whatever reason possible. Sayings like "good job" or "you're really good" when the child actually fails are heard all too often when "good effort" could be a much better thing to say followed by some instruction/guidance on how to improve. Kids get trophies when they win and get trophies when they lose. When a child no longer gets the fake praise, they begin to wonder if any of it was ever sincere, and have a harder time without that type of reinforcement in the future. Kids sports sometimes don't even keep score.
In a Star Trek Next Generation episode, Lieutenant Worf states "If winning is not important, then, Commander, why keep score?"
Kids need to learn from their successes but equally need to learn from their failures. Learning from failures (whether it is their own or from observing others) is very important as they mature so that they will know how to handle future situations. Helicopter parenting prevents children from learning from their mistakes, since the parent circles around the child and immediately swoops in and makes everything ok if the child is having any problems.
Once we get in the mode of blaming others, we start to feel like the victim all the time. Being the victim takes away the ownership of our actions and as a result, the person never really learns what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future. Saying things like "that always happens to me", or "I am not good at that" are another way of saying that you are the victim.
When really bad things happen, we always need to ask ourselves, "Is this a thing that will define me in the future? Will I now be limited because of this past negative experience?" For example, if someone was bitten by a dog when they were young, they can have the attitude that all dogs are bad, they must stay away from dogs, and they always seem to have bad luck with dogs. This may limit them in the future, such as anytime they are around a dog, or their children want a dog and they tell them that all dogs are bad. The child may actually believe the parent and now share the same belief.
We have this one life during our short time on Earth, and it is up to us to try to live it as happy as possible. When things go wrong, take ownership of your actions (or inaction's), always look at what you could do to prevent it, how in the future you will handle the same situation, and don't blame others, or you will always be the victim.
Once we get in the mode of blaming others, we start to feel like the victim all the time. Being the victim takes away the ownership of our actions and as a result, the person never really learns what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future. Saying things like "that always happens to me", or "I am not good at that" are another way of saying that you are the victim.
When really bad things happen, we always need to ask ourselves, "Is this a thing that will define me in the future? Will I now be limited because of this past negative experience?" For example, if someone was bitten by a dog when they were young, they can have the attitude that all dogs are bad, they must stay away from dogs, and they always seem to have bad luck with dogs. This may limit them in the future, such as anytime they are around a dog, or their children want a dog and they tell them that all dogs are bad. The child may actually believe the parent and now share the same belief.
We have this one life during our short time on Earth, and it is up to us to try to live it as happy as possible. When things go wrong, take ownership of your actions (or inaction's), always look at what you could do to prevent it, how in the future you will handle the same situation, and don't blame others, or you will always be the victim.
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